My goodness, my goodness. More than halfway done my paper! Even though a lot of editing still needs to be done on everything that I have written thus far. But I am still proud of myself for having done what I did today... on top of spending some time helping Claudia with her Anthro paper. I guess I really don't mind thinking about papers, or analyzing how one should approach papers... just having to write them is a nightmare to me. I just hope that whatever suggestions I made to her actually made sense. Though I guess she doesn't have to accept them if she disagrees. =) Even though it takes time, I find that I really do like trying to help others. I hope she does well for her anthro paper! Perhaps its also just another escape mechanism of mine. I swear I go do all the dishes possible when I have a ton of work to do. Maybe cleaning is somewhat therapeutic. =X Then again, I don't see why I don't get down to cleaning and organizing my own room. Its in the worst possible mess/state thinkable. =(

God has been such a good God, and I've definitely constantly been blessed. I thank everyone for their prayers, and all my kids in all those different countries that are praying for me! =)

Even though life can be a struggle some times, little things can make me happy. And I know that God will always give me enough to see me through each day! =) 3 more days till I can breathe again.

Oh my goodness. I'm so tired! At least, its 1 down 1 more to go. 1 LONG one though. I'm so tired I'm not sure how this paper is going to go. And its sad because I really like the topic and think it interesting. The research is fun.. but the having to write a paper not. Perhaps if I wasn't this tired, or if I had more time.... but right now all I want to do is sleep and not think about school. Let alone try to construct an essay. And whilst I can lend C my paper to help her... no one can or will help me. I will just have to tread through everything by myself. Sometimes I just wish someone could be there to help me out. Or be willing to watch my back for me. Its tiring because I always feel like I have to ensure that everything goes right because I only have myself to count on. The day I almost missed Jap class because I overslept really reminded me to make sure I am awake, for class, for exams... everything. Then again, I guess its not true that I have no one.... It's true that God is always there for me and He is looking out for me. Its the only reason why I have come thus far unscathed.

Today was quite nasty. Its just horrible to wake up and see your table covered with brown filth that dropped from the vent. I'm not sure if it was poo, or dead insects or what not. All I know is that it is disgusting. And it doesn't help that after cleaning it all up.... more would fall all over my desk. I honestly thought I was going to puke. At least I have stuck a bag over the vent now so I hope that solves the problem for now. I thank God my glass table didnt break as I climbed on it to do what I had to do. I think I should call LPC but I honestly don't know what they can do for me. And if they were to exterminate the animals living in there... it would mean me having to move everything out of my room... and I'm way too tired for all that hassle =X And really... its not funny at all. Everyone else can laugh because it is not their room... but think about it... I'll be living with this goodness knows what until I graduate and leave end of april.

It makes me want to leave and go home now. Home where my parents can take me out for nice meals and without me feeling so extremely guilty everytime I go out to eat and spend money here. Because I know I can cook at home and save money. But I really don't feel like it. Or now that we have a maid... perhaps return to a nice home-cooked meal without me having to worry about cooking or cleaning. I don't even need it everyday... just a treat would be nice. =)

But yeah.... not really. I'm just griping. Life goes on and I just hope and pray that tomorrow will be a better and more productive day. Should I or should I not go to church tomorrow? Yeah, the fact that I'm even asking this question shows that my resolve and energy is already falling. I think everyone needs some nourishing no?

And I guess.... I can't count the number of nights that I just lie on my bed unable to sleep.... because I can't stop my mind from wandering. There's so much I miss.

I'm going to treat myself to a koolaid jammer. =D And I will keep on smiling!

I can't believe that it is December already. And I feel like I say this every year. I guess this just reminds me of exactly how fast time is flying by right now. Its almost incomprehensible.

Today, I had a session with Charlie. My first in a long time. And I must admit that it was a challenge as I wasn't sure what to expect, and I wasn't sure how he would react to me. But I do know that I love that boy a lot... So I went, despite everything. I thought that the session went pretty well... given the circumstances. =) Anyhow, through these... I've learnt the importance of giving my all... in celebrating every little success, and most importantly, to not take things too personally. =)

Been feeling rather down. Perhaps its the weather, or perhaps its the short days... or maybe even just fatigue from everything. I'm not too sure. And honestly, it doesn't really matter. The world doesn't revolve around me and I know that. But, at least I know all this is going to end soon, and that tomorrow will be a better day! =)

As I'm working on my math brain paper on cultural differences in math education and differences in achievement (well something along those lines as I have yet to formulate my title/paper yet), i think it really excites me to give teaching a go! =)

For now, I need to pack and organize my room, get down to my papers... and await the upcoming holidays. OH MY... I can't wait.

Today, I finally received the handbook for my trip to Haiti. There was also this list with our names and the names of the children we will be meeting there! Rebecca Poh - Marc Sondy Benoit. And I was just so excited, so thrilled. I can't wait to meet this precious little boy of mine. Yet I'm so scared that day will pass by too quickly... and I won't know when I will next see him again. =X But I'm lucky enough to get to see him after sponsoring him for 1 year. I really hope and pray Claudia will get to see Patrick soon... and her other boys too. And somehow I wish I could be there too just to share in the joy, and to meet this boy that Claudia has so come to love... and I must admit I love that little boy too. Seeing him grow up... reading his letters... looking at his beautiful drawings.. =)

Also, I received my 4th letter from Selvam in India.. and this letter was extra special because it was the first letter that she wrote by herself! A change from the previous 3 letters that were in english. This one was written in Tamil. I think she has such great handwriting for a 7 year old! I find those Tamil words/alphabets so hard to write! The letter was short but she was such a sweet heart. She also drew in it for me! The first time she has done so too! She drew it in pencil first before outlining it in marker! Totally made my day.

I also received a christmas card from the compassion advocate staff. I think Kayla is awesome and really sweet! =) She always writes short and cute notes on everything she sends me!

Last but not least, as I was logging on to my mom's compassion account.. I saw that Jose had an updated photo! And boy he is SOO CUTE! He is still as cute as ever. Just older and bigger. And, he is finally going to school! In fact he must have been for awhile since it was listed that he is now in grade 2!! I'm so excited as he used to not be able to go to school because of lack of financial resources! In fact, he was wearing his school uniform in this photo! Oh my.... I love this little boy to bits too and I can't wait to meet him some day! He is my mom's kid but I occasionally drop him letters too!

So... today was such a compassion day! =D

And oh yes... Claudia's sister, Jessica, is thinking of sponsoring a kid too! I pray she does because that way...2 lives are changed!! And I applaud a 17 year old for being willing to take out $35CAD every month of her not that big allowance... to meet someone else's needs instead of her own. Her being willing to put someone else's needs before her own is definitely commendable! =) Jessica is like a really awesome (and interesting) person who never fails to make me laugh!

Not to mention that i was extremely nerdy. After Jap conversation, I went to meet dr Jared.. After which I went, on my own accord, for a psych talk about the SNARC effect... I then stayed on to talk to Dr Jared, Dr Ansari as well as Dr. Paivio, the prof who's model I am doing my thesis on! NERDY! But I thought I had to do some nerdy things.. even if only once... during my academic career as an undergraduate student! HEH!

Ich hatte heute eine Klausur schreiben. Ich studiert am Wochenende viel Deutsch, deshalb fand ich es nicht sehr schwierig. =) Ok I totally made that up. =X It's still rather frustrating to not be able to form many sentences at all. Its perfectly normal, seeing how I've only been learning the language for slightly more than 2 months... but its frustrating nonetheless. Its one of the drawbacks of learning new languages... because there isn't much you can say for a long long time. Yet, it is extremely exhilarating when you realize that you can say something that you wanted to say. I guess this explains why I really hope I can become more fluent in the languages that I am currently learning. I need more exposure! Ich brauche nach Deutschland gehen! Oder nach alle andere Deutschsprechenländer gehen!

I'm totally making everything up. =X

Anyway, I was thinking about the children that I sponsor and write to again. Thinking back, it was really one of those milestone decisions in my life. Not once have I regretted. I love being able to invest in something bigger than myself, than my own desires. Perhaps, this also feeds into my love of different languages and cultures. Through this little thing I do, I've allowed myself a chance to build relationships with children and people from other countries, cultures and backgrounds. I'm still in contact with this LDP graduate from Ethiopia and its been awesome. And its yet another living testimony that God is working through Compassion. And slowly, one child at a time, we're making a difference. And I love seeing how they all give back to their societies... how they serve others in their communities, slowly making life better for those around them! And its true... $35 CAD a month is nothing, and that in itself cannot do anything. However, when it is pulled together, and all of us sponsors all pool our love, prayers and money together.... impact is made. And I guess I'm just so glad I'm a part of this. Honestly, I'm not as idealistic to want to see all of poverty end.. I mean THAT would be awesome... but I guess I'm ok with things just changing and getting better... even if I don't get to see end of it. I'm truly happy to know and see my kids given a chance despite the circumstances in which they were born into. And I know, that we (all of us, together) have made a difference in each of their lives. =D And that's enough for me.

And the most humbling thing too... is realizing how much they have done for me. How much I have changed and grown because of them. And, I realize that I think I need them as much as they need me... maybe even more than they need me. They've shown me faith in God despite everything, shown me how to be content and to give thanks, and they've given me more reason to live than just to satisfy myself and my own needs. And God constantly reminds me that even though I'm weak and imperfect, he can use me to do good things! =) I love being an instrument of God. And I thank God for showing me love, and teaching me how to love. I remember asking God to teach me how to love a couple of years back... and He has indeed been constantly showing me, teaching me. =) I've honestly learnt oh so much!

I can't believe... in less than 3 months for now.. I WILL BE IN HAITI!!!! =D =D =D =D And I'll get to meet Sondy and tell him just how much I love him, in person! And I sure hope this isn't going to be the last time I meet him, and that I will get many more opportunities to go back. That being said, I do have a lot of other children I would love to see... Paola in Honduras (even though I haven't heard from her!) and Maria Jose from El Salvador is next in line! It makes me sad knowing that her project in El Salvador was affected by the recent hurricane that devastated the country. Yet, I'm thankful that she and her family.... are fine!! =D

I can't wait for more mail... I haven't heard from any of them in more than a week!!

I must admit I'm feeling kinda lost at the moment. I almost feel like I have no goal nor aim. SIgh. I hope this phase doesnt last too long. I try hard to keep everything inside, try not to show it all. And I think I'm doing ok. As in, I don't think I look particularly happy or anything but I doubt anyone can really guess what it is I am thinking or feeling. I know that there is so much that I want to try and experience, but it scares me how out of the blue, I can't quite figure out the reason or the purpose behind wanting to do the things I want to do. I also feel more and more alone as I feel less and less able to actually share and be open. A little bummed that christmas plans aren't working out... though a part of me just wants to stay in and rot. I'm exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. The uncertain future scares me occasionally, but really... I guess things will work out eventually? At least it doesn't constantly bother me. Only perhaps when my dad is trying to convince me that maybe MOE wouldn't hire me that I worry. And there are other times when I wonder if that is what I really want. But I am quite the idealist. And perhaps I hope that things can be somewhat different for me. I really want to mould and nurture children, I want to help them grow and develop such that they can achieve their highest potential. And I say this loosely because I'm not sure what exactly I want to do yet. I really hope I can find a job that I will love, and hopefully I will be good at it too.

Currently, everything that I work and live for seems so far away. I don't see much results, and have doors constantly slammed in my face. Discouragement sets in. I feel tired. But I guess the biggest thing for me is realizing how far I have drifted from God already. I know He is here for me, and I know He loves me still and is looking out for me.... yet I feel alone. Thank goodness I know that God will always be my God whether I feel him or not. I don't doubt that. I keep trying to give of myself to others but I feel less and less able to. I haven't really cooked because I don't really feel like cooking and then having to wash up after... and I also know that my roomies hate doing the dishes and rather cook so I let them cook and then I try to wash up after them instead. Though I guess sometimes, I find myself not even wanting to do that. Totally explains my campbell soup and junk food diet, plus constant eating in school or eating out.

Sometimes I think I want to go home. But not really also. I just want to escape from my current reality. Why is it so hard sometimes, why is it at times, I can't control who and what I think about. Perhaps I like going home because it is where I am so spoilt and loved. GAH I make no sense. I'm tired of the mask I wear. Sometimes its really tiring having to always just rely on yourself.... But, at least i know everything will get better soon... and perhaps all I really needed was a good cry! =D I can do it!

I'm so glad the 2 papers were done. Quite horribly done in my opinion but done nonetheless. So thankful because what I really need now is some sleep. =)

Went to dollarama with claudia today to look and shop for stuff for haiti. I didn't really buy much yet since it is still quite far away...but I couldn't help it because I'm sooo excited! Especially after kat's dad was sooo kind as to donate 1000 toothbrushes for me to bring to Haiti for the kids there! =D =D =D

I feel like I need to bring the world for my little boy... because I don't know when I'll next see him again! =X I want to bring stuff for his brother and his mother too! But really, I want to shower him with love. I want him to know that I think of him all the time, pray for him all the time... and I really want the best for him. =) I feel so maternal now its not even funny! haha...

And... I'm so retarded. I didn't sleep the whole of yesterday because I was rushing a paper... and then now I stay up to talk to my roomies till almost 5am AND I have yet to study for my jap quiz nor do my german hw. NICE. But... I love love love talking to them. I just hope things can go back to the old days.. =) And I guess I don't really like anything that might have caused our dynamics to change...

I'm tired. And there's perhaps no reason for me to be tired, but I'm just kind of sick of everything. I'm done with school. I almost hate my attitude though, because it is after all my last year of school and I should be making good use of it. Last year in Canada, last year with my roomies. And I almost don't really know how to balance everything up. Thinking about the future is half exciting but half daunting. There are so many what ifs... =X

However, this year has not turned out to be how I expected it to turn out. And perhaps it is the partial drifting as everyone prepares separately for our soon to be separate lives. Everyone is so busy. Too busy. Times like yesterday night are rare... and so I cherished every moment of it... even if it meant having to sleep at 6am to finish up my assignments and study for quizzes. =) And perhaps it is all good, where the final goodbye some 8 months from now... will not be too hard. And I guess its also hard to feel really close when everyone's hiding all sorts of things from everyone else.

And this year has actually been rather good socially. I actually bother to make some friends in class, I bother to make the effort to meet and hang out and spend time with people who care, and people whom I care about. The weekly lunches, going to church, going out for dinner with the singaporeans... everything. I've also actually made the effort to go for japanese conversation club every friday I'm in town, I bother to make appointments with my profs to meet them and talk to them. I genuinely enjoy some of my classes. =) I'm like totally in love with my 2 language classes. I actually feel like I'm learning things. A lot of things. I have fun, and I come out of each class smiling and feeling good. Most times at least. I can't deny the times when I come out feeling stressed and overwhelmed... Especially at the beginning when my german prof would speak a lot of german whilst teaching us, and I didn't have a clue as to what she was saying. Feeling lost in a language class is quite sucky. Especially when its a first year language class. Its not supposed to be too difficult. But I guess, its precisely because we're in a first year class, and I have absolutely no background or even much exposure to german, that it was close to impossible to understand her when she was speaking in german!

But, even though I still find it a little overwhelming at times... my frustrations from her speaking german to us have completely turned into appreciation. Perhaps its from getting to know her better. I originally thought that she spoke in German because she didn't take into consideration our level of understanding (or lack of) of the language. However, I later found out that she actually put a lot of thought into it, and was actively speaking a lot of german to us because she felt it was good for us and we would benefit from it. And that she also knew that we weren't really understanding her. And even now, she's still constantly debating on how much she should teach in English and how much she should teach in German. Its also extremely satisfying when I find that I understand her more and more when she is speaking in German and when she is giving us instructions in German. And as I was doubting myself, when I felt like I wasn't really keeping up in German, she was really encouraging and told me that I was coping well and that I didn't have to worry. She patiently went through my assignment with me... and I really like how she never gave me answers but always guided me such that I can figure them out on my own. And today, she even mentioned that I was like one of her star pupils!

The same was for Jap. The profs from Huron are all AMAZING. They're so nice and so approachable. And they have this conversation club where they just organize something where students and profs can meet and hang out and just practise our Jap! =D And Liying, who noes my sensei from outside of class, said that they actually talked about me once and she said that the sensei said that I was a very good student and had potential in the language! But that was way before now where I always feel so incompetent when I always mess up my markers and when my comprehension level is just not up to par. But still, the profs have always been so supportive and so encouraging! =)

I guess when I see the effort that the profs make, I really really appreciate it. I remember doubting if I had chosen the right prof, always thinking that perhaps I wouldn't be struggling as much with the language if I had another prof who might have explained it better or what not. But now I know that God certainly had everything planned, and I could not be in a better section, with a better prof. I totally enjoy all the cultural tidbits about Germany too. It has made me so much more interested in the language, the country, the culture... everything! =) I hope and pray that she will be able to become an actual prof someday.. because I really think her heart is in the right place and a lot of students will benefit and learn from her!

So all in all, at least I'm completely in love with 2/5 of my courses... Math brain is usually a lot of fun too, even though its a lot of work.

So, today I talked to nita. =) Even though our conversation was quite brief (in comparison to our 3/4hr long talks and skype sessions back in 2nd year, it was great. There's just something about that girl that makes me smile, that makes me believe in friendship. Nita, RQ, PeiLin... some of my oldest friends. They kind of play rather different roles in my life now, but they're all important. And its amazing because I've been asking myself what friendship really means. I guess its this... even though we don't spend much time with each other, don't see each other very often, don't even talk that often.... I know I always find myself thinking of them, wondering how they're doing... and just praying that things are going well for them... that they're happy and all. And from that... I know that I care about them. A great deal. And sometimes I wish we were closer, but I'm happy with where we all are now.

Of course all my other friends are really important too! I care about them a lot. Whether I see them or not, whether I talk to them or not... I mean ideally... I could be in close contact with all of them. But I guess given circumstances, I'm happy just to care. And to know that they're all happy and fine.

Anyhow, I'm just so happy and thankful that Nita's found support! And many times I wish I could be back home with her, especially when she is down or unhappy. But perhaps that isn't my role right now. And I'm so happy and thankful to know that she has people in her life to be there for her! =) And it did cross my mind to fly back so we can hang out and do crazy things to drown our sorrows!! But yeah I think air tickets don't really seem to permit that.

I'm going to church with Rachel and Tessa tomorrow. For the first time, we're taking the bus. And even though I had to give up my ride... I'm honestly sooo happy to be able to bus with them to church. And I thank God that they're still coming! Even when I'm emotionally or spiritually dry, God never fails to refresh me and encourage me. And whilst its not always easy, I'm ready to trust God to see me through whatever. Even as I look forward to many gloomy days to come, I know God is there for me. I like knowing that whether I feel Him or not, He is and always will be there.

And ahh how I wish more of my friends would sponsor kids too! Oh the joy it brings me... I don't think any of them can understand just how I feel! And I wish they could! I don't think I could have understood how I feel these days. I don't think I could even imagine. I never thought I could love someone I've never seen nor met, never knew someone so far away can make such a huge impact in my life. Be able to open me up to so much more. And I'm glad to be of service to God in one little way. Though I'm still looking into doing more... a reason why I do wish to be home at times... I want to serve in church! (though I still have to look for a home church...) That and I want to be baptized. And a random thought hits me in the head... wun it be so nice if Nita and I got baptized on the same day? hahahaha.

November is coming to a close soon... and the time for me to find sponsors for these kids will be up. =( But it really doesnt matter to me if people sponsor kids or not... I guess I just want people to think about what God is calling us to do. To show our love to others... and there are many ways to do it. Compassion is only 1 way. I love being used as a vessel for God though... it feels great! =)

Today was such an awesome day!

Even though I ended up missing Jap because I was studying for my german test. Anyhow... I thought today was going to be such a horrible day. Especially after freaking out on German yesterday after working on the assignment and having considerable difficulty on it. I sent out an SOS email to my prof and asked if I could meet her before the test.

So stress and gloomy weather don't go well together and I was just feeling so grumpy and unhappy. Especially when I'm pmsing.

BUT... the whole day changed when I checked my mail and saw that I received mail from my compassion kids. It turns out it was from Sondy. And imagine the surprise and joy when I opened the envelope and there was this photo sitting inside, together with a letter and an extra sheet of paper! So... he sent me a personal photo of him, his brother and his mother!!! He also wrote the sweetest letter ever. He told me that the most special day for him was the day I decided to sponsor him. He also told me that he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. Its so awesome that his brother Oscar writes for him because I get a lot of answers and details. And Oscar seems like such a sweet person too. I love it because I'm getting to know the whole family. I was also told that they used the family gift to buy a goat!! =D =D But yes... as I read the letter and admired the photo.. I was so touched and filled with so much joy that I thought I was going to cry. But well I didn't.

I can't imagine. In 3.5 months... I will be holding my precious little Sondy in my arms!! =D So excited.

Anyhow, I also had a lot of fun chatting with Maria as she helped me out in German. I love finding out more about Germany and its culture and education system and everything. =) She's also about one of the sweetest profs ever. I think, I'm in love with all of my profs cept one this year. I'm not neutral about them. I think they're all ridiculously awesome. Dr Ansari, Dr. Jared, Akai-sensei and Maria!! When I realized that I won't be taking classes with Dr Ansari anymore after this term... it was quite saddening. He is by far my favourite prof in Western! He's ridiculously smart, really nice, encouraging, and really cares about what he teaches and how he teaches and tries his best to make the learning experience an awesome one! Dr Jared too...the best supervisor ever. She's soo nice and so encouraging and nurturing. =D

I thank God in everything. Even though half of canada feels like they're all going on strike. LTC is going on strike next monday. Goodbye public transport. =X

Today, I wrote to most of my compassion children. I find it such a joy to spend time writing to them, praying for them and everything. It was especially good because I have neglected them in the midst of my busy-ness in school. I can't believe I didn't write to some of them the whole of October! And whilst I've still constantly been trying to share about compassion, I've not had as much success with finding sponsors. But that is cool with me. =) What matters is that I have tried and am trying.

On a completely separate note... Sometimes, I feel quite disappointed with people. It is easy to observe a person's priorities from their words and actions. And as much as they say, I kind of suspect that once I'm back in Singapore... my presence in this country would quickly be erased. But honestly, that is life isn't it. People just do come and go. Yet, most times... it is also the people whom we neglect the most that end up caring the most. Why is it that we as people are always so unappreciative of what they have. We always take things for granted. And whenever I realize that of myself... I always want to shoot myself.

So I'm once again reminded to appreciate the people that appreciate me! I'm quite excited for the Singaporean hotpot this weekend. Even though I'm not close to most of the Singaporeans here. But, there is tessa, liying and rachel... people whom I actually enjoy spending time with! And, I will once again try to stop being so selfish and always thinking about myself and my own convenience. (which is extremely easy... especially when the days are shorter and the weather is just so much colder...)

And I hate being guarded about certain things and certain people. but sometimes I find it harder and harder to trust people. People think they know me... but do they really? HAHAHAHAA.

I know I'm supposed to be a good student.. So, I really really really need to focus. I've always been so ill-disciplined it really irks me when I think about it. It occurred to me that I only have 6 more months till the end of my time here in Canada. It feels so unreal. That everything is coming to an end. It makes me sad that I'm not doing half as much as I did last year. Last year was great in so many ways. And perhaps the peak of all my experiences.

This year... I just feel lost a lot. And I don't quite like that feeling so much.

I'm trying to get my life back together. But... am I just not trying hard enough perhaps? Perhaps.

And I honestly can't help but wonder what is in store for me after this chapter of my life. At times the path seems to get clearer... but other times, everything is a blur again... or things just get in the way and makes me reconsider everything once again.

But still... this year isn't all bad. =) I'm really glad to make the effort (finally) in spending more time with friends and people that matter to me. I was extremely terrible before. All I really wanted to do was be a sloth at home. even though its not much... I try to meet tessa at least once a week for lunch. That girl always makes the effort and I really appreciate everything. =) And now, I'm also trying to spend more time with Rachel. I'm glad that we can go to church together. I still can't get over how cool it is that she attends bible church and I meet her here in Canada. Even though she's only here for 1 sem, I'm looking forward to more cooking, eating, n hanging out! And I'm excited that tessa is probably going to come to church with me too!! =) And its awesome cause both grace and claudia are cool with driving us! Grace was so excited (as she always is) and its so funny!

I'm also extra grateful to God for providing me with the bible study with the roomies and grace. =D I'm confident we will grow with God... because God will lead us and show us the way! So yes... I'm also definitely trying to enjoy whatever time I have left with the roomies. Gym, ice cream dates, movies, parks.... just hanging out really. Everything I know I will miss when I leave.

I want to hot pot again!!!

Oh gosh... these few days have been so hectic I haven't really had much sleep. And the worse thing is that I haven't exactly been too productive. I honestly don't know where all my time has gone to. So yeah... the work is definitely piling up seeing how I haven't actually been working hard since school started. So much to catch up on.

Anyhow.... God has been so good. I can't explain how happy I was when I realized that I did quite well (in my own opinion) for my math brain paper. And I count my blessings for how I managed to pull it off. =X And, I also realize that I didn't do as badly as I thought for my german test. All of these are somewhat encouraging to me. I definitely need it as i try to motivate myself. But yes, I definitely feel that with God... everything and anything is possible. And in my times of weakness... it is Him who sees me through. I am thankful for the love and grace He has shown me, and I pray that He will extend me such that I can show love and grace to those around me.

trying to look for sponsors has also been quite discouraging. and a lot of times, i wonder if i piss and annoy people just by talking about it. As much as I would love them to sponsor... all I really want to do is increase their awareness of the poverty and suffering around us. Its easy to forget, seeing how blessed a life most of us lead. I guess I just hope that little by little... people around me will have their hearts broken. It doesn't really matter to me if they sponsor a child or not. People have very different goals, ideals, passion for and what not. I think what I really hope to achieve is to remind others that God has blessed us so and we should give to those who are not as fortunate. The key is to do something. anything. to step out of one's comfort zone. to be willing to give... of our time, money, love, care and concern. where our treasures are... there our heart will be also. And I know.. God has definitely commanded me to give. And in my case.... my ministry is for the children. I really believe that changing the life of a child can transform them and empower them to change their circumstances and surroundings. Its great to provide a child with an education, food, health needs, and of course the chance to get to know God. People should all get to hear the gospel... and whether they respond to it is their choice to make. I am so glad to have the opportunity to love these children living in different parts of the world. And God has blessed me so much more than he made me give. =) And I'm always constantly reminded of how blessed I am.So yeah... I only hope my friends would sponsor too just because I was blessed so much and learnt so much through this experience that I hope they can have as awesome an experience as me!

I can't believe I hardly wrote to my kids in october! Been so busy! But busy-ness is never an excuse. I need to learn to make time for things that are important to me. =)

Anyhow... its time for bed. I've been up way longer than I should have been. I'm once again terribly afraid of oversleeping. I was almost late for Jap today because I woke up 20 mins before class started. Thank God I live pretty much on campus!

今日もかなしいです。何もしません。日本語のドラマをみました。日本語のれんっしゅをしたいから。たくさんたべものをたべました。これはよくない。とてもよくない。なにをしますか。誰か私に教えて下さい。

Gah. My japanese is still so limited I can't really say anything. I was hoping that today would be slightly more productive. But it really wasn't. And its extremely frustrating.

I was just thinking today... but a part of me just wants to run away. to go out there and experience everything I want to experience. To not be afraid of anything and just be brave enough to do it. I want to experience the unknown. To go out to see things I cannot even imagine. I've always liked new and unpredictability. I like doing things at the spur of the moment. As though just do it was my life motto. I just never liked mundane things. or maybe I do too. Yet there's another part of me that wants to go home to settle down. I want something stable and predictable. something I can depend and rely on to stay the same. Well sort of. I think I'm quite tired. is this age catching up on me? Why am I such a living contradiction.

Or maybe I'm just a little confused as to what it is that I really like and enjoy. Or perhaps I just don't really know my goals in life. Hence my current limbo. Or it shouldn't even be called a limbo because there are things I'm supposed to do, and things i know I need to do... and maybe.. i just really don't want to do it. quarterlife crisis much? =X

I think, something is getting to me. Is it the weather? I don't really know. But anyhow... I bombed today's german test. I don't think writing French in a German test is recommended. But I did. Don't ask me how I totally got the vocab mixed up. I really need to put in much more effort.

I can feel the battle in my mind right now. And I need it to stop. I feel like i've done nothing, accomplished nothing... over the past few weeks. Pretty much just ambling by. And its terrible because I'm wasting time and I hate wasting time! I feel unproductive. everything's sort of in limbo. Or at least my brain is. No this can't happen. I need to pull my act back together. This is taking way too long and the price I'm paying for everything is just getting higher and higher.

Oh yeah. so the drive test people are still on strike. AND I think the public transport here at western is contemplating going on strike. How nice. I'm so happy that I don't need to take the bus to school... and my roomie has a car for essentials like grocery shopping and what not. But yeah... things like this make me appreciate what I have in Singapore. If anything, at least we have stability. Haha... all these striking and what not is really causing a lot of disturbance and can be really annoying. Like the garbage people went on strike over the summer and so for a period of time... no one cleared garbage. I can't imagine that. Thank goodness I was back in Singapore.

OH GOSH. Get a grip of yourself rebecca. NOW.

I hate how I feel as though I have lost control. I don't know where all my time has gone, or what i do with my time. I'm just so tired all the time. All I really want to do is sleep but I guess I haven't really slept that much either. I don't think I have felt this out of control of my life and school especially since some time in 2nd year.

Sometimes all I really want to do is hide under a blanket. I don't want anyone to see me in this current state of mess. At the very least, I think sometimes I hide everything pretty well. I only let on to those I feel comfortable around. And even then... perhaps not everything.

I know that despite everything, I have to hang on tight. Pull my act together. Time is passing by too fast for me to be upset. Passing by too fast for me to have time to waste. Time waits for no man. That is one thing that hasn't changed. Time passes way too quickly that I constantly find myself losing track of it all. And sometimes, I find myself wanting to be happy... forcing myself to be happy. And I think I am... I enjoy myself a lot. However, the gaping holes probably never ceased to exist... =X

Dear God... please see me through all of this.

On a lighter note.. I was thinking of applying to NIE but it turns out that because I am not studying locally, everything just seems alot more mafan and I can only apply after I graduate. Like how sucky is that. It almost makes me think twice about everything and perhaps consider other career options..... =X

Very random. But I had dinner with the singaporeans at western and the exchange students here. There are like 9. Don't ask me why there are so many. Anyhow, I didn't talk to most of them since they were all talking in their own group. BUT, the cool thing was that I met someone who is from the bible church. We weren't even talking about church for that matter. I didn't even know she was a christian! We were talking about psychology since we are both in psych and I started telling her about my internship at PSB before I found out she knew hil may... and yeap.

It was really nice that I managed to offer her a ride to church through my roomie! It turns out that she hadn't been to church since coming over here. And I was thinking that perhaps that was one of the reasons why I ended up going for that dinner. =) That and of cos because I do like hanging out with liying and tessa. =) Add to the fact that I had to get out of the house to get my mind off things...

It got me to think of how my experiences here in western have changed. I really missed the good old times with the singaporeans. Especially in first year where I hung out with grace and ly and yl quite a bit. The almost immediate-ish connection I felt with the singaporeans then does not form anymore. Sadly. I remember the countless bak kut teh times or hot pot times generously hosted by ly and yl. The cooking together, their generosity and kindness and friendship they so genuinely offered to me, a lonely first year student. The countless jacks outings for wings, marble slab... everything. Those mad rushes for the last bus home.... i noe I haven't put in very much into maintaining the friendships... so its really my fault we haven't talked much. But its nice to know that I can still meet up with them to hang out n chat n stuff when we are in the same city. I wish I had a car just so I can go all the way up to kingston to visit grace! and i wonder how ly and yl are doing back home in singapore now. i used to really enjoy n look forward to anything singaporean. especially my singaporean friends... now... its just different. perhaps its just the difference between exchange students and students who are permanently here. i honestly don't know.

anyhow, i really don't feel like doing anything right now. =(

Have you ever realized that you were allowing yourself to think of things you're not supposed to think about, think about and miss people you're not supposed to think about nor miss... Basically, dwelling on things and thoughts that are effectively pointless and fruitless?

I've caught myself doing that more and more recently. And, its just terrible. How I have allowed myself to spiral down like this. And all I can really say is that I'm tired. I'm not homesick, nor am I lonely here or anything. Just... I guess very caught up with random emotions.

Why can't I fully accept and understand that what is past is past? =(

Anyhow, on a totally separate note.. today was a great day! I completely enjoyed jap conversation lunch today. Even though I just realized how terrible my jap is, and how little I understand and how little I can speak. haha. Especially when my brain isn't processing anything. But in any case, the senseis were all super duper funny and adorable! Sports with the singaporeans n chris was also fun. I guess it just felt great to move and get some exercise again!

And then I totally tried to come up with this facebook message in german for Charmaine. So I kept bugging sh to help with with some sentences as well as check to see if my sentences made any sense and if they were grammatical and good. haha. I pity my friends whom I try to force to converse with me in languages i dun speak. heh. But I had a lot of fun and I'm not going to lie. Thanks sh!! =) du bist sehr nett!!!!!

But at the end of the day.... I wish the emotions would almost leave me alone. And I also feel as though I'm losing track of certain things that are important. =(

I haven't felt this crummy and unmotivated in awhile. I have a 5-7 page paper due tomorrow that is not even anywhere near half done. After mulling it over and over in my head, I still haven't quite conceptualized what I exactly I am arguing. I am stressed. Stressed that I am not stressed about my lack of work. There is just no impetus nor force to try to work. And, its a good 20%.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't think anyone really knows how I feel or why I feel this way. Perhaps people think they know but they really don't. And everyone thinks their world is worse off. Probably me included. I don't actually think life is that bad. Life, outside of school, is actually great. Well, as great as great can get.

There is so much that I miss. I think I drive myself crazy sometimes. I wish I could think less. Where did all my strength and resolve go? I think I feel lost at best. Confused. There are so many things and people that I miss. I hate how I feel myself slowly losing control of everything. Of my life. Its been awhile since I had quiet time proper. And I find myself slowly drifting... no matter how hard I am trying to hang on and cling on. I am just so tired.

Ok, I am not making any sense. Till tomorrow. I hope it will be a better day.

I've been quite unmotivated of late. Especially with regards to school work. I've been trying so hard to be a good student. But, its certainly not been easy. I'm not quite sure what I've been doing with all my time. And its sad because I'm enjoying all but 1 of my courses this term! So, I don't really know what can explain my current lack of motivation and enthusiasm about school. Especially since its the last year and pretty much second last semester of my time in Canada and my time as an undergraduate student!

But, I'm going to try to push on. Hang on. The fact is.. life has been good aside from school. I think I am somewhat affected by the fact that its my final year here. It hasn't fully sunk it... but I don't quite know what to think about it. Or basically, what it REALLY entails and what is going to happen after this. The reality of saying goodbye to my roomies is so real. And, I've definitely grown to love them so much! I mean, I've said goodbye to many people plenty of times... but I think this might be one of the first times where goodbye actually might mean goodbye. Or, like saying goodbye without knowing when I will be seeing them again.

I'm quite thankful that I'm not half as emotional as I used to be. Or I highly doubt I'd know how to deal with this emotionally. Anyhow, because of the lack of time left here.... I feel as though I should be spending my time wisely... like building friendships, worshiping God, forming memories etc... And school just seems to have taken a back seat. Ok, perhaps I don't make much sense. But of course I know very well my duty as a student. I can't screw up now.

Anyhow. Enough of all of that. Now, I will be posting some facts about Uganda (that I got from CIA). The country where I remember my parent's church being involved in. The country where little Tusiime is from. =) I'm still hoping to find someone willing to sponsor this precious little girl!

Population: about 32.4 million people!
Age structure: 50% of the population are between the ages of 0-14!!! Can you imagine half the population to be below the age of 14? Also, only 2.1% of the population make it to live beyond 65.
Median age: 15

Infant Mortality: 64.82 deaths / 1000 live births!
Life expectancy at birth: 52.72 (I cannot imagine having a life expectancy less than my parents age! =X)
No. of people with HIV: 940,000 (estimated in 2007)

Literacy rate (over the age of 15 and can read and write): 66.8%

Okie!! =) That's all for today! Please consider sponsoring Tusiime!!! =D